Just Leave Me Alone
Here I am. It is 3:17 in the morning. I love my sleep. I love my bed. But lately, I get the best sleep of the day during the hours of 3p & 5p. Thank God my work allows me the flexibility to nap most days during that time.
Things always seem so much deeper at night. So much bigger and harder and more hopeless. While I struggle with crazy anxiety and a little bit of depression, I can confidently say that those jerks, for once, are not keeping me up.
Tonight I can pinpoint that one of our dogs has been barking constantly since 11 pm. Its very unlike her, so both my husband and I have taken her out, made sure she isnt sick or hurt, and checked her crate. She just kept barking. Alas, around 3am, she gave up and went to sleep, but here I am, feeling like I could get up and clean my whole house.
Why? WHY?
When my kids were little, I read about why exhausted parents repeatedly stay up much later. Its that precious time in the evening where you can do something besides focus on taking care of kids. You can eat snacks alone, you can watch what YOU want on TV. I've been there…but I am not there now. My kids (12 and 16) get themselves up, ready, & out the door in the morning. Our 12 year old has recently been dubbed “house manager” because he keeps his brother on track with chores, keeps up with the dog feeding schedule, and even cooks (in the air fryer) dinner for us once a week.
I've got it made, right? In my downtime, we gather ‘round as a family for movies and board games. Our dogs lie at our feet. My husband and I have plenty of dates and time together.
Except, we don't do any of that. Alex and I are working a lot (the why of that is a whole book I'll eventually write).
**this is the part where I will give the disclaimer…I have, hands down, the greatest husband who ever existed. We are still obsessed after 20+ years and I will forever be in debt to him for everything he does & has done. I know he’s going to read this, so Alex- love you more than anything ❤️**
Every part of my work is chatting and speaking and sharing. I love the talks I get to have and my friend group is also incredible. But my battery is dead. I put it on the charger and it still dies quickly.
Lately, the only time I am well and truly content is alone. Completely alone (maybe with a dog). I read (yay!), I scroll (boo!), I giggle at memes, I play dumb games on my phone, I watch my comfort shows. Its the only literal time that I am not being asked something or forced to listen to a video I dont want to watch or reminded of something I need to buy for our household or being asked whats for breakfast/lunch/dinner ad nauseum. WHY am I so utterly ANNOYED with everyone???
I'm left to ponder why this is. Is it the tyranny of the night time to myself creeping back in? Is this once again another dumbass symptom of Perimenopause? Have my body and mind finally given up living in this world of emails, texts, notifications, social media messages, and constantly feeling behind? Is my ADHD so unchecked it is ruining my social abilities?
This blog post is not going to offer many solutions because I just dont have them. I try to pour gratitude for all I have. I am doing the deepest kinds of inner work (shout out to my therapist, Spirit Guides, & the Universe), I have healthy outlets for big feelings. I'm managing my health as well as anyone can.
I just want to end with this. If youre lying awake for no good reason or because its too hot or your legs are restless, I see you. If all you want in the world right now is to be alone, I am right there with you. If you feel like crap and all your doctor tells you are things like “lose some weight” or “its just perimenopause/menopause,” I hold your hand in rage. If you can’t stop scrolling, your pants are fitting tighter, or you havent texted that person back, you're doing the best you can. We all are.
Its now 3:53 am and the dog is still barking. I am out of f**ks.
—Laura ❤️
(PS…photo is not the culprit)
